- Better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
- It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.
- Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
- Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
- A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.
- Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- There are laws to protect the freedom of the press' speech, but none that are worth anything to protect the people from the press.
- Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
- If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
- Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of congress. But I repeat myself.
- It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
- Of all the animals, man is the only one that lies.
- Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
- Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.
- When in doubt tell the truth.
- What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.
- Only one thing is impossible for god: to find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
- A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
- You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
- Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
- The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.
- Truth is more of a stranger than fiction.
- Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.
- October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March,
June, December, August and February.
- When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
- Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
- What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.
- Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.
- One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
- Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.
- Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.
- Man is the only Animal that Blushes. Or needs to.
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